[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
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“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.