@web_supergirl: Alcohol is claiming me as a dependent on his taxes this year.
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@Reverend_Scott: ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter. ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
@Mr_Kapowski: Me: Can I bring my wife? Travel Agent: Of course Me: But I'm hetero. Does that matter? Travel Agent: Do you think I'm saying Gayman Islands?
@Rollinintheseat: If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
@robdelaney: 23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it's okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?