Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
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E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
From Facebook just now…
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]