@GingerGander: "Alcohol is just water with feelings in it," said the girl who failed chemistry.
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@sara_ashlynn: When I'm mad at my kid, I don't put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
@JermHimselfish: I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don't text me back.
@TheDailySchmuck: *wakes up after all night party* *rolls over* *rolls over* *rolls over* How did I get on this escalator?
@StatusInBeirut: If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.