“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
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This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
One of the best
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.