My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
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Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Saw online –
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Poetry is my passion
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
We all have our pet causes.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here