Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
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Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me