@AllTheUglyTruth: Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
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@CornOnTheGoblin: [at my funeral] ventriloquist: please don't judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this me: hi everybody!
@LaurelleMartin: My boys are gamers and I'm single It's like a race to see who can use the most batteries
@AtticusFinch79: [face to face with a serial killer] Me: So this is how it ends. SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
@thejodiest: I want an app that tells me when someone is thinking about me while having sex with someone else.