@torrami: Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@gengen874: Went on a date once. He ordered for me, "She'll have a small side salad." I said, "Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato."
@hippieswordfish: *suddenly awakes* honey! i just had a nightmare that i was naked at a job interview, licking BBQ sauce off the guy's face interviewer: ummm
@DJTannerComedy: Anderson Cooper: "the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control." Arizona Wildfire: "Wow, isn't that the pot calling the kettle black."
@nbadag: [the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent] ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles