@torrami: Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
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@KalvinMacleod: It's important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
@BeardSpice: *walks into convenience store* "Excuse me, do you sell beef jerky" No sorry we only carry beef friendly *beef sticks start complimenting me*
@ImFordTough: hey girl are you my ceiling fan because i'm pretty hot but also too lazy to get up and turn you on
@murrman5: [wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news] "he looks like you" [me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it's not though