@torrami: Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
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@McInappropriate: she wears short skirts I eat pizza she's cheer captain and I'm still eating pizza
@iwearaonesie: wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you me: *giggles* wife: me: wife: ...go ahead me: "do do"
@slimmy_shady: Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I've ever had. Also rabies.
@DaddyJew: Don't get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.