Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
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I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
one last job
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
accurate
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.