*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
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“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
real
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this