The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
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Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Smells like a challenge to me
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Me checking my bank balance online.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.