Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
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My husband before the holidays: I donāt need anything
My husband right after the holidays: Iāve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and Iād love to have this other thing
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
when i was little, a friendās mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, āwell, you should be!ā and if i saw that woman today, iād look her right in her mean face and say, ādamn, brenda, you straight up called that one.ā
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
One last time…
Itās āa lotā not āalot’!
Itās that simple.
Tomorrow weāll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us š
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
āAs per my emailā¦ā
Ooh, someoneās absolutely livid.
Texted daughter āIām going to take a napā and autocorrect changed it to ācome inside and scream like a banshee.ā
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*