To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
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I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
[Texts to 14]
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
incredible book dedication
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.