Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
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my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Wednesday
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.