Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
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Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Brb my Sims are getting married
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
My time has come.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?