Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
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Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.