“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
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I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing