“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
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One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
If you breakdance you buy dance.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence