Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
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Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*