My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
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After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.