People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
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I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair