me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
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My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
I don’t get marriage
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
my father died in a conga line and so shall i