“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
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I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.