We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
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Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Gemma Correll
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source