alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
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Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.