Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
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If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Bond. Trauma bond.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Thursday Thought.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.