“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
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[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
May your day taste like creamy soup.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
my one true gender
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.