“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
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*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
There is no “we” in pizza
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.