Alexa, make me look good naked.
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Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
My dog after a walk in the woods.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.