Alexa, make out with the Roomba
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Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Dance like you’re not the father
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.