“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
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A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Dietest Coke
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.