“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
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Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.