“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
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I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.