imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
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CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.