Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
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You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
What my back needs
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.