Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
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Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
I missed you with all my darts
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”