“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
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[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
i dont have time for this
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”