Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
You Might Also Like
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
man: wait
time: no
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Follow me for more recipes
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh