Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
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Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
happy friday
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!