Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
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[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
pls suprot
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Jogging
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook