@trojansauce: ALFRED: *wringing out wet birthday party invitation* it's difficult to read, but i'd hazard a guess at aquaman, master wayne
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@murrman5: [at funeral] "my phone is vibrating" want me to create a distraction so you can answer it? "no, are you craz- *points at casket* HE BLINKED
@ItsAndyRyan: Child twister: "I can't tear up that farmhouse, Dad" Dad twister: "Come on son – we're Kansas tornadoes, not Kan'tsas tornadoesn'ts"
@PaperWash: [1st date] me: are you cold? date: *shivering* a little me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
@daemonic3: Someday I'd love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.