The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
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Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Auto correct is my worst enema.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered