Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
You Might Also Like
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.