[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
You Might Also Like
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Never forget.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?