What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
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Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him