I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
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If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
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My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!