Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
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My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Expect the unexporcupine.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.