What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
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Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!