[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
You Might Also Like
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]