ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
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I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish