Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
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<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.